Should a couple get a divorce when they no longer have feelings for each other? | Safe and Sound

Divorce is a major life decision, and making it is certainly not easy for couples. The question, "Should I divorce when my spouse no longer has feelings for me?" revolves not only around emotional factors but also involves psychological, social, and family impacts. In this article, Safe and Sound's psychology experts will help you view the issue comprehensively to make the right decision.

Ngo Thi Sang | Master of Educational Psychology – Applied to Safe and Sound Mental Health Care

Institute of Applied Medical Technology

1. What does it mean to no longer have feelings for someone?

In marriage, the feeling of "no longer having feelings" often leads many to immediately think of divorce. However, psychologists emphasize that to make the right decision, it's necessary to understand the true meaning of this phrase. Love in marriage, like any other aspect of life, doesn't always remain as intense as it was in the beginning. Emotional changes are inevitable, but that doesn't mean the relationship has become worthless or isn't worth trying for.

1.1. Feelings may fade, but they don't disappear.

Feelings fade but don't disappear.

Love in marriage often goes through several different stages. Initially, it can be very passionate and intense. But as the relationship enters a more stable phase, that feeling tends to soften, giving way to attachment, sharing, and responsibility.

The psychological pressures and stresses of life, such as work, finances, childcare, or social relationships, can cause couples to drift apart. This doesn't mean that feelings have disappeared, but rather that they are no longer expressed as clearly as before. Psychologists say that in many cases, love still exists, it's just obscured by the complexities of daily life.

To recognize this, ask yourself: Does this fading feeling stem from external pressure and stress, or from the way you treat each other? Many couples, after overcoming difficulties together, realize that their love was never truly lost; it just needed a spark to rekindle it.

1.2. The confusion between love and habit

Many people believe they no longer love their spouse simply because the initial feelings of "excitement" or "novelty" have faded. In reality, according to psychologists, this may be a confusion between love and the initial excitement. Love in marriage doesn't always maintain its intensity, but that doesn't mean it's lost its value.

When love becomes a habit, security and stability can lead to boredom. However, remember that the intimacy and sharing in marriage are not something every relationship possesses. Habit may diminish romance, but it is also habit that binds two people together.

If you feel your marriage lacks novelty, psychologists recommend trying to change your daily routines. A trip, a romantic evening, or even just a heartfelt conversation can rekindle the love you once had.

1.3. Is it a loss of feelings or just a conflict?

Is it a loss of feelings or just a conflict?

Sometimes, the feeling of "no longer being in love" doesn't stem from a depletion of feelings or emotions, but from unresolved conflicts. Small issues in daily life, if not addressed promptly, can accumulate into significant psychological dissatisfaction.

For example, a lack of communication, differences in life perspectives, or feelings of disrespect can cause couples to feel distant. When these issues recur, feelings of frustration, anger, or even indifference can take the place of love.

Ask yourself: Is this feeling of "no longer being in love" truly due to a lack of affection, or simply because of unresolved conflicts? In many cases, confronting and resolving these outstanding issues can help you and your partner reconnect emotionally and mentally.

Additionally, if you feel stuck in communication, consider seeking support from mental health professionals or marriage counselors. Sometimes, a neutral, outside perspective can help both of you better understand your own and your partner's emotions and psychology.

2. Reasons why a couple loses their feelings for each other.

2.1. Lack of communication

Communication is the foundation of a lasting relationship. When two people stop talking, sharing, or listening to each other, feelings will gradually fade. A lack of communication not only leads to misunderstandings but also makes both partners feel neglected or disrespected.

For example, if one person is feeling upset or dissatisfied but doesn't express it, these negative emotions will accumulate over time, creating an invisible barrier between the two. Conversely, with regular communication, spouses not only understand each other's feelings and needs but can also resolve conflicts effectively.

2.2. Emotional distance

Emotional distance often occurs when one or both partners feel misunderstood, uncared for, or no longer receive empathy from the other. Psychologists say this can stem from a lack of time spent together, busy lives, or even differences in how love is expressed.

For example, one person might desire praise, while the other expresses love by working hard to support the family. When there is no alignment in how emotions are expressed, both are likely to feel neglected or unloved.

2.3. Life pressures

Modern life is full of pressure and stress from work, finances, childcare, and social relationships. These pressures not only cause stress but can also lead couples to neglect nurturing their relationship.

For example, when both partners are too busy with work or dedicating all their time to childcare, they may neglect spending quality time together to nurture their relationship. According to psychologists, this busyness gradually becomes a barrier, causing both to feel distant and disconnected.

2.4. Betrayal or loss of trust

Betrayal or loss of trust

Trust is a core element in marriage. Once betrayal occurs, whether in matters of love, finances, or any other aspect, the relationship between the two will be deeply damaged. Psychologists emphasize that the loss of trust not only causes couples to feel distant but also creates feelings of insecurity, suspicion, and lasting suffering.

Betrayal doesn't necessarily have to be infidelity. It can be breaking promises, being dishonest in major decisions, or failing to protect your partner in difficult situations. These actions can leave a negative mark, making one or both people feel hurt or unappreciated.

3. When should a divorce be considered?

3.1. The feelings are completely dead.

Marriage is built on a foundation of love, respect, and emotional and psychological connection between two people. When both partners no longer have any feelings for each other and are unwilling to try to salvage the relationship, maintaining the marriage only prolongs suffering and tension.

For example, if two people live under the same roof but don't communicate, don't care about each other's feelings, and no longer want to share their lives together, it could be a sign that the feelings have completely died. In this case, divorce can free both of them from a meaningless relationship, opening the door to finding happiness elsewhere.

3.2. Long-lasting damage

Psychologists say that a healthy relationship should bring safety, happiness, and a feeling of being loved. If a relationship only brings suffering, psychological or physical harm, or hinders personal growth, divorce may be a necessary option.

Signs of long-term damage include:

Domestic violence : This is the most obvious reason to leave a relationship. No one should have to endure abuse, whether physical, mental, or emotional.
Prolonged distrust : Repeated betrayal or lies can completely destroy the foundation of a relationship. If trust cannot be restored, the feelings between the two will become increasingly fragile.
Devaluing oneself : According to psychologists, in a marital relationship, if one partner is constantly belittled, criticized, or feels disrespected, this can seriously affect their self-esteem and mental health.

In such situations, divorce is not only a way to stop the suffering but also a starting point for building a new, healthier, and more positive life.

3.3. Inability to reconcile despite attempts.

In marriage, two people don't always have the same views, goals, or lifestyles. Differences are normal, but if two people can't find common ground despite their best efforts, it may be time to accept that the relationship cannot continue.

For example:

Differences in life values : If one person prioritizes their career while the other desires a peaceful family life, conflicts can arise frequently and may not be resolved effectively.
Emotional and personality incompatibility : One person is extroverted and loves excitement, while the other is introverted and needs quiet space. This difference can lead to both feeling misunderstood or incompatible.

Psychologists say that if a couple has tried everything—marriage counseling, open communication, or self-improvement—and still can't find harmony, continuing to try may only lead to more fatigue, stress, and dissatisfaction. In this case, divorce may be a way to find liberation, allowing both to find a more suitable path for themselves.

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